Well according to the likes of Perry Como, Ed Ames and Andy Williams, it’s that time of year when everyone starts going over the river and through the woods heading for Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie.  So what better way to serve my fellow man and bring peace on earth than to share from my vast experience of being somewhere else and offer some useful and very alliterated helpful Hannukah holiday travel tips?  So here goes…

HOLIDAY TRAVEL TIP #1:  Do not travel.

This is actually the only tip I have to offer but admittedly, it is born of genius. If my life experience has taught me anything, it’s that one should never hide Halloween candy in the oven.  But it has also taught me that the only thing more discouraging than spending a holiday in one’s own home is spending it someplace else.  And usually when you spend it someplace else there are other people there.  I have found this to be less than desirable.  The main reason is more dishes.  Another is that people are idiots.  Still another is that you have to travel.

Travelling by car is the worst.  Travelling by wiener-car is the wurst.  This is because there are people on the roads.  And we know from the previous paragraph that people are idiots.  Therefore, by virtue of The Transitive Property, there are idiots on the roads. What’s interesting to me is that each state has its own brand of driving idiot:  Hey Minnesota!  It’s called a blinker!  Hey Arizona!  Get out of the left lane!  Hey Colorado!  Merging implies movement!  Hey Tennessee!  Natural Selection does not have to be true!

And then there is trying to entertain young children for hours of close-quartered cross-country transit, which can be more frustrating than a one-armed man setting his watch.  Thanks to Steve Jobs, this is much easier today than when I had young children, though even then we were prolific users of hand-held devices.  They were called ‘books’.  Luckily, nowadays we don’t have to waste our time on things like conversation or imagination.  I still remember when some Japanese prodigy wunderkind invented the combination TV-VHS player.  It had a video player built right into the TV!  Can you imagine?  A technological wonder of holiday magic!  We bungeed that baby between the front seats and, thanks to colorful giant foam-costumed indoctrinators, could thus drive for upwards of 90 minutes without stopping.  Maybe 2 hours if the Huggies were super-absorbent.

An alternative to driving is air travel, which is rated as the number one reason people choose to drive.  For some reason I have yet to invent, being inside an airport turns the typical intelligence and situational awareness of a normal, fully functional human being into that of a mustard egg salad.  What’s helpful to remember therefore, is that rules of movement in the airport are similar to those used on the road to get to the airport.  For example, unless you are an island nation, traffic stays to the right; never immediately stop and reverse course; if you have a problem, pull off to the side; if someone has an accident, be sure to slow down and gawk; etc.

A reason people hate air travel has to do mainly with something called the Transportation Security Administration, though I’m not sure why as they work and function as well as any giant wasteful bureaucracy of the federal government.  (Perhaps you remember the song I lovingly wrote about the TSA that cost me my Pre-Check status.  If not, click the secret link located in this sentence.)

The TSA has changed air travel recently thanks in large part to improvements they’ve made to The Knee-Jerk Reaction.  This is why they have employed highly-trained personnel to remove your shoes and see through your underwear.  A couple of weeks ago it came to light that the MENSAs at TSA headquarters actually kicked around the idea of banning all carry-on luggage, as that would eliminate one more threat and speed screening.  A better option in my opinion is to ban all passengers.  Imagine how speedy and safe air travel would be.  I’m thinking of running for office, BTW.

If you choose to become a victim of air travel, to speed your screening be sure to forego clothing and never put anything in a container—especially large amounts of liquid.  I learned the hard way and have had numerous confiscations to include a bottle of shampoo, a cup of freshly purchased coffee, and my bladder.  And remember: 3-1-1.  But I don’t even know what that means.

Another recent bane of air-travel is baggage fees, which are fees the airlines charge you to check your bags for the purpose of making record profits.  There are a number of simple ways around these fees however, like maintaining a Uranium flying status or working for the airline or boinking the agent.  What I usually do is just wear everything a la Joey from Friends.  In Minnesota this is called ‘Getting Ready To Go Ice Fishing’.  It eliminates the need for bags and is an edgy fashion statement.  Just remember to plan for your physiological needs however, i.e. use super-absorbent.

Hope this helps.  Just remember, nothing makes your holiday travel plans go more smoothly than staying home.  Happy non-journeys and as always this time of year, from all of me here at conTIMplating to all of you…

Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas.