My favorite headline from this month has got to be Foxnews.com’s, “Scientists Study Violent Winds of Uranus.”

Please note that I have elected to NOT write a blog post about this very fascinating story even though the first line of said article reads,

“Screaming winds of infernal violence alternate with periods of dead calm as one nears the surface of Uranus, according to a new analysis of the gas giant.”

because doing so might give the accurate impression that my maturity level is somewhere between a sixth-grade boy’s health class and a Pauly Shore movie.

So rather than dwell on my extreme adolescent childishness, I am instead going to focus on the startling fact that it is possible for one to be so darned good-looking that it is impossible to be a productive member of society.  This has come to issue in a couple of incidents this month.  Surprisingly, neither of them have involved me but I’m sure that given my chiseled and pasty schmoo-like frame, it’s only a matter of time.

You’ll recall in a previous post that you probably haven’t read, that a dental assistant in Iowa was fired from her job because she was just so darned good-looking that her boss feared for the well-being of his marriage.  It turns out that this case of attractiphobia was not an isolated incident.

Three men were kicked out of Saudi Arabia a few weeks ago reportedly because the religious police there deemed the so-called visitors to the Janadriyah Festival “too handsome” and they feared that “female visitors would fall for them.”  Aside from a religion needing police, what is interesting about this story is that it hi-lights the under-reported societal scourge of discrimination against the really, really, really good-looking.  What is more shocking is that this took place in Saudi Arabia, a country so forward thinking as to cut back on beheadings and allow women to ride bicycles (assuming, of course, she is with a male relative).

Reportedly, one of the men deported was the multi-named Omar Bourkan Al Gala from Dubai.  Omar is an actor-photographer-poet, which is a lot like being a large pizza except that a large pizza can feed a family.  But Omar is not the only one recently victimized by hyper-attractive prejudice.

33-year-old London scientist, Laura Fernee has made it public that she has had to quit her job as a medical researcher because she’s “too pretty to work.”  It turns out that Laura was having to put up with guys being so cruel as to compliment her and seek her companionship on a regular basis.  One cretin would go so far as to give her flowers. “Even when I was in a laboratory in scrubs with no make-up they still came onto me because of my natural attractiveness. There was nothing I could do to stop it.”   One can only imagine the emotional torture that comes with being so beautiful.

“And in the end, as much as I loved my work, going in to work became very, very difficult because of the psychological impact on me,” she said.  And so she quit, citing her superior good looks as the reason she couldn’t continue her employment.  “I’ve made the decision that employment just isn’t for me at the moment. It’s not my fault… I can’t help the way I look.”

So poor Laura has had to go back to living off her parents to the tune of £2,000 a month, including a monthly £700 hairdresser bill.  I don’t know about you, but this story brings a tear to the far corner of one of my eyes.  I myself can recall having good hair days to the point where I felt I just couldn’t go to work.  And on more than one occasion I have had to ‘call in handsome.’  I can’t imagine, though, being so absurdly and consistently stunning that employment isn’t even an option.

Statistics show however, that up to .00000003% of the unemployed are just like Ms. Fernee in that they are out of work solely because they are so very, very, very good-looking.  And while it would be easy to brush this issue aside and focus on so-called “tragedies” like those in Oklahoma and Haiti, I for one am going to stand up!  If people like Omar can be deported for outrageous handsomeness, then what’s to stop our country from expelling the likes of Lyle Lovett?!

Okay, bad example.  But what if people all over the country were to walk off the job because of their being too irresistibly attractive to those around them?  I mean, who would do Carrot Top’s shows?!

Okay, another bad example.  But think of what a mess it would be for Ticketmaster to have to refund the tickets to all those Stones concerts!

Okay, examples are overrated.  But who is with me?!

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?