Well, here we are: conTIMplating one year later. Has it been a year already? It has. It seems just like yesterday that I was debating which pair of boxers to wear for my big background photo shoot. If I were Bob Hope I’d start singing “Thanks for the Memories” but luckily for Mrs. Hope, I am not Bob Hope.
I suppose to accompany the congratulatory fanfare and wellwishiness you are feeling right now an appropriate post would be a clever recap of the past twelve months that revisited the high and low points of a year-old page of spectacular electronic webness such as this, but it doesn’t make any sense to recap because unfortunately, it was never capped in the first place. Besides, like the old saying goes, nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.
So if you’ll permit, I will simply wax illogic and spend this last post of the year reminiscing and keeping you up-to-date on what the past, present, and future holds with random and low-key blatherings about what I have learned and accomplished and discovered and worried about and digested and flushed over this past year.
I suppose the big announcement is this: Based on the data from the First Ever conTIMplating Reader Survey of Polish Questions and Attitudinal Inquiries of about a month ago, you really like button me and so I have renewed the domain of which I am master, conTIMplating.com for another year. This means the blog, she continues. (If you think the results bogus and/or did not participate in said survey, you may do so by clicking here or there.) The coming year will see minor changes that the non-reader will barely notice and, as always, I welcome feedback, ideas, and donations.
Also according to the survey, the frequency of publishing weekly was almost as popular an idea as not publishing at all, and so the Tuesday post also will continue to the best of my motivation. I continue on my quest to rename Tuesday ‘TIMsday’ despite the uphill battle with beaurocracy as well as my inability to spell it. I am proud to say that even amidst work, vacations, illness, and a Minnesota winter that has even Vivaldi considering a rewrite, I have not missed a Tuesday posting all year—even though it has subjected me to occasional ridicule and acquisition of the nickname “Mr. Anal Methodical Guy” by The Queen Mother. I make this decision of weekliness with the full realization that your more successful bloggers post more often than this and that followership is often tied to frequency of posts. I balance this information as well as the temptation to post more often with the fact that I do not want to.
Speaking of followership, thank you to everyone who has signed up, especially the recent rash of Indonesian retailers that has me inquiring to WordPress about follower-spam. Then again, maybe I’m suddenly the Jerry Lewis of Jakarta. I’m still trying to figure out if following me indicates actual interest or not. I get a lot of ‘hey look at me so I can sell you something’ followers. For future reference, buzz off. I’m adding google analytics because the very nice and supportive Mr. Mestophales who works there said it would help me answer all my questions if only I joined him.
To bloggers: If you do follow me, I always take a look at your site and if I like it, I will come back on occasion and if I really like it, I will follow. I don’t follow many blogs because I actually read the one’s I follow, so please don’t feel offended if you are not on the rather short list; I still appreciate your work and your reading and I hope you are entertained. Just so you know, I have a pretty eclectic taste but I’m not a fan of poetry or fiction or weepy chicks talking about menstruation. Nothing personal. Putting an f-bomb in the first line of your post is also going to turn me away. Buy a thesaurus. Also, don’t tell me you’re funny. If you have to tell me you’re funny, chances are you are over-rated.
To non-bloggers: According to the survey, several of my readers over 90 didn’t even know what ‘following’ meant, so allow me to explain: Click the Yes! Follow TIM! button at the top-right of this post and enter your e-mail address. Then every time I post, it shows up right in your inbox! You don’t even have to read it! It is completely anonymous except that I can figure out who you are.
One thing I like about WordPress is that they tell you the search terms people use that bring them to your site. Perhaps the greatest eye-opener for me and easily the most entertaining aspect of blogging has been seeing what people are looking for on the internet—and then foolishly choosing to view my site thinking they will find it. The number one search term normally enough has been ‘contimplating,’ either on purpose or by a freak spellchecker accident. Number two has been ‘lombard street’ in San Francisco combined with other landmarks there that are more linear.
When you get to number three, things get interesting: ‘kate middleton underwear’ just edges out ‘controversial elvis pictures’ followed by searches for various advice columnists from Abby to Amy to Laskas, etc. (none of which were Dr. conTIMplating Methuselah Fillmore, by the way). After that are a series of online pursuits that offer no hope for the future of civilization. The biggest question I have is for the person who searched for ‘alaska women armpits.’ The second biggest question I have is for the other person who searched for ‘alaska women armpits.’ If that weren’t enough to make you build a cabin in Northern Idaho, other terms searched for more than once include: ‘poopy knickers,’ ‘michael jackson in underpants,’ and ‘why do democrats wag their fingers?’ I seriously hope those are unrelated.
Additional searches included ‘bald noogie adult shave,’ ‘why god created celery,’ ‘armpits at low tide,’ ‘opossum traditions,’ ‘how much money did it take to eat a urinal cake,’ and ‘cleaning method of buffalo intestines.’ Pardon my ignorance, but what is going on out there, people?
The prize for the year’s best search term goes to ‘my poo is bitty and white.’ Being a Christian man, I said a prayer for that poor soul. Whoever you are, I sincerely hope this blog comforted you and provided answers in your cry for help. If you came back and are reading this, you will be the recipient of the very first conTIMplating T-shirt.
And based on the topic of that last paragraph, Year One is in the can.