Unless you are holed up in your Afghani cave or your right-wing Idaho compound or your own roomy derriere, you are probably aware that Sunday night provided an extraordinary epic battle between two potent powerhouses that left observers breathless as the combatants conflicted and contested like two gladiators engaged in a ferocious life-and-death struggle in front of an audience of millions, nay, billions of screaming blood-thirsty onlookers.  Of course, I speak of no other than that treacherous and violent clash of…

Imagine if you will, a majestic anthem announcing the adversaries as they saunter toward the battlefield in ominous slow-motion, the announcer assaulting the eager ears of spectators with a stream of melodramatic and hyperbolic superlatives.  This was the atmosphere Sunday night as these two dynamos scratched and brawled their way through a number of different challenges in hopes of becoming household champion.  Permit me to categorically catalogue said events by category:

 

Most Uptight:

This battle saw 49ers coach Jim “Cow Birther” Harbaugh go against Lady Mary “Knotted Knickers” Crawley.  This contest was tight since both are more stressed than a bleacher full of Biggest Losers and each deliver more audible sighs and eye rolls than even my Facebook statuses, examples of which I have provided below:

 

 

 

or

 

 

As much as Lady Mary acts like she is a human popsicle, I have never seen her throw a clipboard with much gusto.  Winner: Coach Harbaugh.

 

Most Scandalous Use of Rouge:

This pitted Ravens’ Linebacker Ray Lewis against Ivy, one of Downton’s botanically-named kitchen maids.  Ivy’s look was that of a harlot; Lewis’ was more ‘Blubbering Heroin Chic.’  And while Lewis gets kudos (the official breakfast bar of praise) for trying to sing along with Alicia Keys, Ivy gets the edge because her foxtrot is better than whatever you call that thing Lewis does.  Winner: Ivy.

 

 

Best Line:

Here we have the Ravens’ Defense against the crusty dowager, Lady Violet.  The Ravens’ line stopped a first-and-goal for the win while Lady Violet said to Dr. Clarkson when he refused to lie, “Have we nothing in common?”  Given that the Ravens’ Defense should not have been in their precarious situation in the first place, we must take into consideration the entire body of work, as well as the nostalgic delight that comes from using a term like ‘dowager.’  Winner: Lady Violet.

 

Awesomest Jiggliness:

This was really no contest as we scrutinize the crotchety plump waddles of Mrs. Patmore against the rhythmic and malleable agitations that gave Bouncey her name.  Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard whereas Mrs. Patmore’s makes cheese.  Winner: Bouncey.

 

 

Greatest Boredom Inducement:

Here we have the Superbowl’s loss of power versus Downton’s loss of its edge.  The writers of Downton are obviously getting tired as they have traded much of the cleverness of Season 1 for the clichéd plot structures of weddings, funerals, and marital strife.  However, the Superbowl beats them out in this one thanks to James Brown’s 17 uses of the phrase, “If you’re just tuning in…”  Winner: loss of power.

 

Most Exciting Comeback:

The 49ers closed a 22-point deficit to just two points and brought the game down to one very important play in the last two minutes.  Young Ethel went from a life of starving and prostitution to that of a respectable housemaid and cook.  But while Ethel’s comeback took upwards of five episodes, the 49ers did it in about 20 minutes of playing time.  Winner: 49ers.

 

Worst Blown Call:

Was it the fourth-down no-call in the end-zone that was apparently defensive holding against the Ravens causing Jim Harbaugh to squeeze out another heifer?  Or was it the decision by Lord Grantham to barge in on the ladies’ luncheon and demand that they return home with him that instant causing him untold embarrassment?  It seems that if either call had gone the other way both outcomes would have likely differed, but under further review neither is reversible due to lack of indisputable video evidence.  Draw.

 

Most Pass Attempts:

Colin Kaepernick made 28 attempts to various teammates; Thomas made fewer than that to only one person who he’s not even sure plays for the same team.  Given that plus the fact that he has yet to make a completion all season, and the edge goes to Kaepernick.  Winner: Kaepernick.

 

And finally,

Best Commercials:

I’ve got to say that this year’s Superbowl commercials were pret-ty lame.  It’s sad when the most popular was a rehash from a 40-year-old radio show.  And I’m pretty sure that I’ll now never use GoDaddy.com for anything.  Ever.  Of course, I shouldn’t be too harsh since I didn’t see them all.  I spent much of the commercial time booking my Viking River Cruise.  Winner: No commercials.

Totaling up the score I see that the winner is those of you who have holed up in your Afghani cave.  Congratulations.

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I’d like to thank the good folks at sfgate, Wikipedia, downtonabbey.wikia, and Cleveland Poetics for the unwitting use of their photos.