There is an utterly tragic story out of Texas this week. A woman’s buttocks was (were?) severely burned during a Dallas Cowboys scrimmage game last year. The imagination runs wild when considering how this could have possibly happened, butt let me assure you: a butane lighter was not involved.

The woman’s name is Jenelle, however in order to protect her privacy and dignity we will henceforth refer to her as Hot Hynie Blister Bottom, or HHBB for short.

So HHBB is at this Cowboys scrimmage, (the purpose of which was to presumably determine exactly how mediocre the team would be in the upcoming season) and decides that watching all the exertion by other people is exhausting.  She needs a rest. And what better place to ease her barking dogs than a black marble bench that has been sitting in direct sunlight on a 101-degree August afternoon? It wasn’t until her companions began to smell bacon that she grasped the gravity of her situation.

Not being able to see the affected area for herself, HHBB didn’t realize the extent of her injuries until after discussing her options with a lawyer. Being arrears and behind in medical debt as a result and finding herself in the unsavory position of having to actually work to earn wages, she decided that punitive damages was a less effortful way to go and has filed a lawsuit against the Cowboys and their owner Jerry Jones, himself about as nationally popular as a Westboro Baptist Church member who works for Haliburton.

Also named in the lawsuit are everyone else who had a hand in the keester fry, including the stadium architect, the bench manufacturer, the WFAA weather guy, General Motors, her parents, the Dallas Public School system, the color black, and God, for creating the sun and the physics of heat transfer.

The Cowboys have no official comment regarding the suit, which is an indication that they are just going to put this on the back burner and hope she turns the other cheek. (As an aside, this incident has all men once more confused as to the female psyche since there involves a woman whose rear end is obviously smoking hot and yet is upset over it.)

Now before you make HHBB the butt of all your jokes and rail against this just being another frivolous lawsuit filed by a dirt bag tort lawyer, I must warn you that it is unfair to label all tort lawyers as dirt bags. Some happen to be bottom-feeders, while others are simply blood-sucking vermin. That being said, we as a society have no right to make cracks about this lawsuit originating from the backside of the moon.

The lawsuit claims HHBB was hospitalized with quite serious second and third-degree bum burns and underwent a number of anguishing skin grafts. Regrettably, the grafts were harvested from the area of her lips and face so she now finds herself in the unsavory position of continually having to kiss her own Assuming the suit actually makes it to court, HHBB will have to prove that the Cowboys were negligent in not placing a shade over the bench such that in the summertime patrons would not injure their But the question arises: How responsible are the Cowboys and Jerry Jones for protecting a fan’s Assets of Jerry Jones equal approximately $2 billion, so it seems such a shade would be a veritable drop in the resource bucket to prevent such a serious injury to one’s Tight End Jason Witten had no comment on the matter.

The lawsuit also claims there were no warning signs posted about sitting on the benches in hot weather. And while you may call this woman moronic and typical of Cowboys fans in general, your being correct has no bearing on the case. I have often been an advocate of warning labels and tend to think that ugly incidents like this could be prevented if only the extremely liable deep-pocketed evil corporate giant Anderson Window and Door Company would place stickers on their products that say

WARNING: Exiting your home through this device can cause serious injury or even death.

Butt, in hind sight, perhaps the bums in Dallas should just put this rumpus behind them lest they be penalized to the maximus extent of the law.