With apologies to Lee Greenwood (background music Lynx):

If the line is around the corner,
You’d think they’d spring to life.
And help me get home again
To see my children and my wife.

But just one checkpoint’s open;
I’ve been standin’ here all day.
I could sure go for a Starbucks,
But they’d just take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I’m free.
Unless I’m about to board a plane,
–Then I’m assumed guilty.

I must take my shoes off,
Disrobe, then put my body on display.
‘Cause there ain’t no power like this man has,
God bless the TSA.

I finally get my frisking
As they view my nudity.
It’s 90 minutes later,
And man, I’ve got to pee.

I sprint down through the terminal
From concourse G to A.
And I stagger up to my scheduled gate
As the airplane pulls away.

And I’m proud to miss my flight home again
Thanks to Airport Security.
They just putz around while I wait in line
To lose my dignity.

And I’ll take my shoes off!
Disrobe, then put my body on display.
Hey! Where did that guy just put his hand?!
God bless the TSA.

(Key change)

And I’m proud to miss my flight home again
Thanks to Airport Security.
They just putz around while I wait in line
To lose my dignity.

And I’ll take my shoes off!
Disrobe, then put my body on display.
Hey! Where did that guy just put his hand?!
God bless…the…T…S…AAAAAAA!.