If Cream Cheese Is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right

Unless you reside beneath large deposits of granite or perhaps are a subscriber to Us magazine, you are probably aware of the scourge of fanatical evil that everybody is coalitioning about these days.  No, I am not referring to the menace of NFL players loose on our public streets; this problem is much more malevolent and has even our legislative and executive branches grafted into a single trunk of governmental topiary oneness in an endeavor to disrupt and destroy perhaps the single greatest threat to our American well-being:  the bake sale.

I noticed this subtle cultural change when Thing 2 recently brought home her annual choir fundraising product.  Instead of the box of assorted and enchanting selection of chocolate candy-bars upon which I tend to invest my annual September salary, she thrust into my hand something called an Entertainment Book, which is in fact not the least bit entertaining and tastes nothing like the gooey caloric goodness to which I had grown accustomed to consuming as part of my regular fall weight-gain program.  Continue reading

We Need a Zero-Tolerance Zero-Tolerance Policy

OK, so I was on Facebook this week and couldn’t help but notice that all the ice buckets have been replaced with enough first-day-of-school photos that I’m actually beginning to miss cat pictures.  This can only mean one thing:  ‘Tis that special season when everyone under the age of 18 has a permanent shoulder slump and every one of their parents is high-fiving and rediscovering the lunch date.  ‘Back to School’ ain’t just a sale at Wal-Mart.

I look forward to this TIMe of year, not only for the lunch dates, but because I get to read all about the zero-tolerant administrators and their vigorous tolerance for zero-tolerance policies, which has them doling out more suspensions than a bridge-builder because at some point along their 100k graduate education they found that teaching rules is easier than teaching character.  Perhaps you are familiar with the famous ‘Pop-Tart gun’ incident I wrote about here.  Turns out this incident is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce wedge. With bacon bits.  And bleu cheese crumbles.

For example, Continue reading

I Didn’t Post Last Week Due to an Old Golf Injury

DISCLAIMER:  The following story is true.  My name has been changed to protect the idiots.

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Much like soccer, ping-pong and dating my daughter, golf is supposed to be a non-contact sport.  Unfortunately, a somewhat embarrassing incident occurred recently that was an exception that proves this rule.  I wasn’t seriously injured, but it was bad enough to evoke a face-palm out of The Queen Mother.  Plus, I can now get out of things I don’t really want to do by claiming “an old golf injury.”  Things like helping someone move or eating vegetables or watching “The Bachelor”.

For legal purposes, Continue reading

Welcome to the Third Year of My Blog. I Apologize.

Hello.  My name is Tim. Welcome to the third year of my blog.  Please do not protest me.  I apologize.

If you are especially astute you are to be self-congratulated for knowing what that means and noticing that I have not posted now for these three months as I have been engaged in a brief hiatus whereon I sought to learn a good Latin word for ‘taking a break.’   Actually, the real pretend reason I have been wanting in the blog post department is because frankly, between my work, family, and golf club membership, I have been busier than a horsetail at a fly convention.  I’ve been busier than Lois Lerner’s ‘delete’ button; busier than DNC spin doctors after a few off-the-cuff-remarks by Joe Biden—busier than Charles Barkley trying to say, “Irish wristwatch”—busier than…well, you get the idea.

Anyway… After a short but mysterious disappearance I have suddenly returned, which is yet another reason people tend to confuse me with Jack Bauer.  On the down side, returning to the blogosphere means that I will once again be doing stuff and saying things.  Continue reading

Am I Racist if My School Only Has Two Colors?

SCOTUS is at it again.  For the record, SCOTUS is not some form of severe athlete’s foot as it sounds like it should be, but rather is hipster journalist talk for Supreme Court Of The United States.

“Why does he walk so funny?”

“He has SCOTUS.”

“Oh, Bless his heart.”

Last Tuesday, in a 3-2-1-2-recuse decision, SCOTUS upheld the right of states to ban racial preferences in university admissions, which derives from the great state of Michigan where voters had the nerve to say melanin should not outweigh academic ability or commitment when determining which individuals to allow into their various taxpayer-supported schools.  And which incidentally has ruined my chances at becoming a lawyer, thankyouverymuch, as I was totally going to go to the University of Michigan Law School.  And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.  Thanks a lot, SCOTUS.

In the racially sensitive words of Ricky Ricardo, let me ‘splain: Continue reading