Oh how I love New Year’s with all of its revelry in celebration of an arbitrary moment in the incessantly monotonous passage of time. What better reason to party? What I don’t love however, is that it is (once again) time to be pressured into taking stock of my stockiness, throw my considerable weight around in considering my considerable weight, and ask myself why I don’t look like the touched-up models and celebrities I see in photo-shopped magazines and professionally enhanced videos. Is it because I am (ulp) normal?
Well, I’ve (once gain) had it with being normal! I look and feel like an average human! Ugh! And so over the New Year I have (once again) resolved to immerse my typical averageness in the very American and very lucrative dieting and starvation industry so I can more closely resemble the media fantasies we all know and worship.
Of course, actually starting a diet on New Year’s Day is not possible, as it is a time to celebrate via caloric intake with family and friends—plus there’s the whole football thing. As my local supermarket ads so insightfully point out, one cannot watch sporting events without simultaneously ingesting dangerous amounts of junk food. And nowadays New Year’s football lasts all week long—just finishing up last night—making today (Tuesday) the natural choice to start the diet in earnest.
Except you can’t start a diet on a Tuesday. That’s like, the middle of the week. And weekends are out. Weekends are when I relax and don’t want to unnecessarily expend energy worrying about what I may or may not consume. Mondays are the only truly ethical day to start a diet. So Monday. Next Monday is the day!
Except talking about weekends made me realize that the NFL playoffs are going on. You can’t diet over the playoffs. Chicken wings, nachos, chili, spinach dip—am I supposed to not eat these things? Psh. Whatever. The Super Bowl is February 2nd, otherwise known as National Gluttony Day whereon the national pastime is impregnating one’s self with a food-baby. So Monday after the Super Bowl is the day! It’s the perfect day to start a diet.
Except you’re in the heart of winter here in Minnesota and it’s actually good to have a little extra body fat for warmth when you’re facing temperatures that are less than or equal to the surface of Mars. And also Valentine’s Day is less than two weeks away. My mother-in-law always sends us these incredible Valentine’s cookies and I don’t want to offend her and cause family strife by not eating them. And everybody knows what else comes in February: Thin Mints. Curse you, you dastardly refreshing discs of chocolatey-mint goodness. Thin Mints are the reason milk sales increase threefold in February. It’s like Christmas-shopping season for dairy farmers. And what’s worse is they are sold to us by children. Am I supposed to say no to the children? There’s no dieting in February; February is the absolute worst month to diet. So March. March first. That’s the day! No wait, March first is on a Saturday. March third!
Except that’s Spring Break week and we have a vacation planned. You can’t diet on vacation. That’s like going to an amusement park and saying, “I’m not going to punch the dressed-up characters.” Impossible. And then when we get back it’s March Madness and the whole sports-gourmandizing thing that we’ve already gone over. So April. April is the day!
Except the NCAA championship game is on April 7th which is on a Monday, so that whole week is shot. And then the next week starts the Stanley Cup Playoffs, which go into June. Then we are into summer, which is the only time we can actually go outdoors here in Minnesota, so there are always backyard parties and picnics and barbeques to attend so we can catch up with those we haven’t seen since Veteran’s Day. Experience has taught me that summer is a lousy time to diet. I’m thinking I should just hold off until school starts, which here is the day after Labor Day. Except that is a Tuesday, so the following Monday is best for a really fresh start. Monday, September 8: that’s the day I change my life!
Except I just realized I have an annual business trip in September and they always put us up in a DoubleTree hotel where they give you those warm chocolate-chip cookies when you check in. I’ve been known to check out and check back in every day of my stay for those cookies, sometimes in disguise. Honestly, that week is no good. There is then some time at the end of September which would be okay to diet except that the baseball playoffs are right around the corner. Being a Tigers fan, I have a standing reservation on the couch for all of October whereon I ensure the milk and honey flow like milk and honey. Assuming the Tigers again make it to the World Series, dieting before that is over would be silly.
And then at the end of October our house will no doubt be full of that noxious deliciousness known as Halloween Candy. That usually lasts for a couple of weeks before all that remains are Almond Joy and Good ‘n’ Plenty which are only edible in survival situations. So looking at the calendar it appears that the best day to start my New Year’s Resolution is Monday, November 17th. That will give me a solid 10-day period to lose about 20 pounds before the holidays.
Okay, this is it! On November 17th, be prepared to say hello to the new Tim. I gotta say, I’m actually excited to get going! And this time, I’m committed.