Just Say No to Rugs

Now that I’m into my mid-forties, I am looking for ideas on what to do for my mid-life crisis that 20 years from now I can look back on and say, “Wow, was that ever a mid-life crisis!”  I’m talking crazy, dangerous things like juggling flaming machetes or switching to briefs.

One idea I’ve had is to get my iPhone out and use my Sprint service to get my Facebook friends together and go to Sears to purchase a bunch of Columbia tents, then pitch them in a public park while we survive on Starbucks and Kraft Mac’n’Cheese cooked over a Coleman stove in our soggy Levi’s and Patagonia rain coats in the hopes of getting ABC, NBC or CBS to cover us as we rail against evil corporations. But somebody’s already done that.

As I mentioned last post, I think I’d like to do something stupid with my hair—specifically my hairline, which is backing up to the point where OSHA is making me install a safety signal. (Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.) I tend to be continually frustrated with the looks of my hair even though I spend upwards of $12 on it every eight weeks.  I need to do something.

Don’t let my logo fool you; I do not have this much hair.

Transplants are something to do but can run about $20,000, which is more than even my teenagers’ grocery bill and therefore unaffordable. Besides that, I’m more than a little concerned about the area from which the hair is harvested.

A lot of guys my age are getting toupees in order to make them look vernal and virile, as opposed to paternal and viral. This is definitely an option for me because it is a known fact that toupees make one resemble an Adonis. As you remember, Adonis is the Greek god of beauty who seduced Aphrodite by walking around in public with an opossum on his head.

Toupee manufacturers often claim that a toupee looks great and blends into one’s natural hair such that it is undetectable by the casual observer. This is true assuming that the definition of ‘casual observer’ is from a focus group of Stevie Wonder and Jose Feliciano. I had a professor in graduate school who wore a toupee that was ‘undetectable’ aside from the six metal barrettes he used to keep it from sliding off his shiny noggin. I didn’t learn much in that class because I was always distracted by what might happen if he was being chased by Wile E. Coyote in a giant crane magnet.

Come to think of it, I had a hard time learning much in any of my classes…Hmmm. It’s probably their fault.

If one happens to be bald follicly challenged and wants more hair on his head, my suggestion is to choose a coonskin cap over a toupee. The coonskin cap provides excellent scalp coverage and a full head of thick, furry hair. It has been a symbol of manly ruggedness ever since Daniel Boone wore it on his show in the ’50s and has the added bonus of coming with a handsome striped ponytail feature that can be detached and tied to one’s car antenna. It also has a distinct advantage over the toupee in that in social situations, it is less noticeable.

Another option for stopping apparent hair loss is to get plugs. This is where a semi-doctor takes little clumps of hair and inserts them directly into one’s scalp. The upside is that the hair is placed directly into the head and will not blow off should you be on the East Coast this week. The downside is that your hairline looks like that of a Mrs. Beasley doll that has been in the toy box since 1974.

The least expensive option is of course, Spray Hair in a Can. This is a product that acts much like spray paint in that you spray it onto your exposed bald parts and they miraculously take on the color of the pigmented granules contained in the can. Hair in a Can is brought to you by the good people at Ronco, the same company that gave us the Pocket Fisherman and the phrase ‘O-Matic,’ so quality is not a question. Not including masking tape and drop cloths this option costs about $20. Or you can go the Rustoleum route for about $6 and have the added benefit of a variety of color schemes—not to mention the rust protection you will need should you have a death in the family during a nasty break-up while chopping onions.

What’s all the rage right now is having a hairline tattooed right onto your scalp. This is supposed to simulate the tiny hairs of a shaved head but in actuality resembles a hairline tattooed right onto your scalp. As I have an aversion to sticking needles into my head ever since I saw the voodoo-doll episode of Gilligan’s Island, I am not considering having this done. Plus, the procedure runs between $2000 and $3000. I’m thinking I could do it myself with a couple of fine-tip Sharpies for about eight bucks.

Maybe I’ll just part it on the other side.

62 thoughts on “Just Say No to Rugs”

  1. Hair is something God puts on ugly heads. Your head must be getting better looking or he would keep it covered for you. Or you could let it grow and part it just above your ear?

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    • I’m not a big fan of the comb-over. I’m thinking either using my ear hair and eyebrows as I mentioned last week or maybe a Trumpian forward-and-back kind of thing. Either one would be a unique attention-getter.

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  2. I like the way you think! Creative, realistic, off-kilter a little, hilarious! Some of my favorite guys are bald or going that way and it hasn’t changed my opinion of them one bit. Maybe I’m hoping for similar sympathetic tendencies in them as I…improve with age.

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  3. 1. As has been implied above, “God made only so many perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair.”

    2. Once you get to a certain point, shave it all off. This will make you look Mean and Tough and a Total Badass. Team it up with a leather jacket and some spiked wristlets and you are good to go.

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  4. Honey, shave it. Shave. If it’s good enough for Patrick Stewart who, I hear tell from many of the women I know, is in fact sexy as all hell, it’s good enough for you. Of course, he’s got the whole accent thing going for him too, so you might have to fake that.

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  10. Haha the needle Gilligan’s island episode. Perhaps that is why I am terrified of needles and voodoo dolls. I miss that show in some ways. Now I’m sure it’s not nearly as thrilling as it was in the days of my youth when I thought all shows were reality TV. I love your humor, thanks for sharing it!

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  13. For the record, I snorted. More than once. Thanks for that. (I think.)

    Whatever you do, say no to the comb-over, too. My first boss had a wicked comb-over; whenever he was walking outside, he would move downwind of anyone he was with so that, in his own words, they wouldn’t be injured if the wind caught his hair.

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  14. I like your post! Very honest. I made a faux pas one time. I walked behind my male 20-ish friend at the time and said, “Oh! You have a bald spot.” After he covered his spot and told me he was self-concious about that- I felt pretty bad. I guess it’s kind of like a guy saying to a girl, “I see your muffin top.”

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  17. My brother had one of those hair club rugs. He was the only one who thought it looked good. As you can tell from my gravitar, I remain au naturale on top. Don’t shave your head. Some men can make that look work, but a lot can’t.

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  20. My first time on your blog…OMGosh I could not stop laughing. Earlier this evening my husband and I were taking about his hairline. He asked me if his forehead was getting bigger, I replied that the only things that never stops growing are your nose and your ears (or so I’ve heard) so this left him with no other option but to face the fact that as he gets older his hair becomes more afraid of his eyebrows and starts to retreat slowly.
    Thanks for the laughs congrats on your freshly pressed pants!

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  28. Read your blog for the first time. Congrats on being on freshly pressed. Frankly, If you are a smarty, it doesn’t make any difference which side you part your hair. And I agree with many above, Bald look is most definitely the best look ever for men.. 🙂

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  29. Congrats on Freshly Pressed. It’s wonderful to discover bloggers. From a woman’s point of view I say “let your scalp fly free.” Although the bit about the coon skin cap doubling as an antennae attachment intriguing.

    I went to to a coin show last week and one of the vendors sported an impression half scalp of plugs. It was hideous and I had to clench my teeth to keep my jaw from falling to the floor. The worst part of the whole picture was that the hair in the plugs looked like it had been harvested from …..below the belt….shall we say.

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  30. And here I thought I was going to read about interior design and the faux pas of floor coverings…wait a tic…what if there were oriental “rugs”? Excuse me while I slip over to the patent office and register the new rage: Orientals for Occidentals. Loved it! BTW, I seem to note a receding line as well, I pray it does not speed up to retreating! ~Regards, Dan

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  34. Oh goodness you made me laugh.I remember my sister got her husband that hair in a can and she used it on him.It looked great ,no bald spot.Then he went out in the rain…………….

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  36. Two of the most important men in my life are Baldy’s. And I am forwarding this to one of them, my dear ol’ dad, right now! And I will bookmark this page to share this with my little brother when his hair army begins to decline in numbers, as it undeniably will do. Here’s to the Bald (or Bald-ing) and Beautiful!

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  37. Tim, middle aged guys like us are lucky to live in an age where it has become the norm to shave our heads after our follicles migrate south to our neck and (ewww) backs. I remember the 70s with the god awful comb-overs.
    After an atrocious haircut I shave my head last year. It didn’t look bad, but I still like having hair. It’s thin in the front, but I am still able to convince myself that it’s passable

    I also found hair loss and thinning is funny. Shorter looks better when many of us are scared that it will expose us more…so the opposite of what we are inclined to think that longer gives us more coverage.

    Bad toupes are atrocious. The only thing worse are bald guys who grow a short greasy pony tail.

    So…thank you Patrick Stewart, Jason Statham and all the other sexy receeders out there. Back in the day, all we had were Telly Savalas and that guy from The King and I

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