Hello. My name is Tim. Welcome to my blog. Please do not boycott me. I apologize.
Why do I have a blog? Because there’s nothing on TV. Also, over the years there have been a number of people (about 7) who have shown interest in my writings and of those, roughly 14.29% of those suggested that I “get off the couch,” find an outlet to showcase them, and thus “get out of her hair.”
Blogging is free, I am cheap, so here we are.
But there is a problem: Blogging requires an audience. Yet it also involves a certain industriousness and a reckless use of syntax. In other words, blogging requires one to do stuff and say things. Once it gets out that I have produced words and actions somebody out there will no doubt realize that I am a totally different person than they are. And nothing is as infuriating as someone who differs. I am therefore bound to end up the target of a boycott before I even start, as I am already a different person from almost everybody I know. This worries me somewhat because organizing a boycott against someone is a politically powerful method of proving you have too much free time.
(Ironically, the term “boycott” itself is sexually discriminatory and deserves to be boycotted. I actually prefer the term “personcott,“ but alas, no one as yet seems to have the free time to organize one.)
The only apparent way to do stuff and say things and yet escape being the subject of a boycott is to solemnly swear that you are stupid and/or spineless. This is known as “apologizing”. Turns out you can do or say just about anything as long as you apologize afterwards–just ask Rush Limbaugh who, in an uncharacteristic brazenness of opinion, recently called a sexually promiscuous woman a “slut,” or Jesse Jackson, a champion of racial harmony, who once referred to New York City as “Hymietown.” Following their comments, these gentlemen were the subject of much outrage, a term so overused it fosters outrage. And how did they weather this storm of outrageously outrageous outrage? By “apologizing.”
So I would like to start out my blog by saying I am sorry. Please do not boycott me. I apologize. I have an innate tendency to selfishly do stuff and say things that might differ from you. I do not mean to. I am sincerely stupid and/or spineless. To be sure, let me give you some examples of just how stupid and/or spineless I am and thus do not deserve to be boycotted.
A couple of years ago, Target and Best Buy were boycotted because they had the audacity to donate funds to one particular Minnesota gubernatorial candidate over another. Like these misguided corporate giants, I also have this problem in that I hold political views. What’s worse is that I have occasionally acted upon them and even gone so far as to attempt to influence the outcome of an election by not only preferring a candidate, but actually choosing one over another. My mistake. I apologize for that.
Last fall the US Air Force Academy received some pressure and had to apologize for giving their cadets the opportunity to provide goods to needy children through Samaritan’s Purse‘s “Operation Christmas Child” program. Samaritan’s Purse is an organization that promotes peace and good will by bullying young children into liking them through calculated gifts of toothpaste, scrunchies, and flip-flops. But, being a Christian organization and USAFA being a government entity, this violated the principle of Separation of State and Doing Nice Things. Regrettably, I am also in favor of being helpful to children in underdeveloped or war-torn regions and have at times gone so far as to participate. This will unquestionably be enraging. I have the stink of philanthropy upon my soul. I am sorry.
More recently, JC Penny has been boycotted because their spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres prefers women sexually, which makes the woks and sans-a-belt slacks they sell inherently wicked. I should probably admit up front that I too prefer women sexually. Sorry about that.
The big fuss lately is over Coke and Wal-Mart supporting ALEC, an agency pushing for voter ID laws and star of the popular NBC sitcom “30 Rock.” These laws would require voters to prove they are not dead prior to casting a ballot. Such statutes discriminate against Deceptive-Americans, limit each person to a single ballot, and threaten to bankrupt Chicago’s third-leading industry. And I am part of the problem. I own and almost always carry my very own ID, flashing it around willy-nilly to just about anyone who asks. Though repentantly, I continue to blindly accept systematic prejudice perpetuated by the likes of retailers, banks, and customs agents. I regret my actions and am truly sorry.
So welcome to my blog. Please do not boycott me. I apologize.